Permission: The Confluence of four Significant Events
As I looked back (damn, hindsight really is 20/20!) I notice that I allowed myself to be swept away by uncommitted and unclear reassurances that ultimately were my responsibility to clarify. I did not clarify things until it was too late.
If I had just sat there and owned that fully in the moment, I could have made the requests for the clearer communication necessary to prevent this from happening in the future. Instead (and I have to laugh at myself now), I berated myself for my incompetence and failed to give myself permission to be fully pissed off and angry with myself. I effectively failed to give my self permission to own it AND to be pissed off, thereby causing paralysis.
Further, I alienated my friends from me because I felt like I didn't deserve them in my life. I felt like my recent incompetence was a clear sign of future incompetence. I said firmly, "I can't be good enough for them and I don't deserve them. How could they possibly want to choose me any more, knowing that I failed to articulate my needs fully? How will they ever be able to trust me when I can't even ensure clear communication?"
In a fit of determination to get myself to a more empowering space after hours of nothing but crying and self degradation and incredibly good coaching from Jason, I walked outside and faced the world and meta-tated on how I could transform this situation into learnings that helped me rather than disabled me.
"It means absolutely nothing" I repeated over and over. And as I spoke the words, I noticed I believed them even though I didn't feel them inside me.
"Choose. Choose to change." I gave myself permission to do that. I walked into a hair salon and for the first time in 33 years dyed my hair. "Choose. Choose to change." And now I am resolved to choose the more empowering positions whenever possible.
Still, it took all I had to just show up and meet my friends who I was hiding from. Hiding. Unable to be heard, unable to hear them. Yelling across a canyon of mis-information and delusional self perceptions gone awry.
Monday morning Mark AGAIN nudged me toward more positive choices: "Adventure!" he said, encouraging me to go on my blind date. Later on, he coached me again, and in that moment I found the freedom to own what I did wrong AND observe how others could also have changed the outcome of the situation as well.
The missing link that tied this all together came this morning when I woke up and read Dana's email. Suddenly, it all clicked. She said, "I for one feel very lucky to have the family I have. I only wish you felt the same way - or better stated, that you expressed it in the same way, as I cannot pretend to know how you feel about the family."
For the first time in my experience with my sister and family, I heard permission to be who I was and express things how I wanted to. I heard her say she wished me to be something else AND recognized I was not.
When I read that sentence, the last week and a half collided together into a melee of color and light that suddenly turned darks corners shut off by blinders into bright rainbows decorating my soul.
In that moment I gave myself permission
to be comfortable and happy with my choice to prioritize myself over my
family. I gave myself permission to choose positive options and empowering
choices like "it means nothing that they selected the house right
now over living with me right now." I allowed myself to not take
100% responsibility for all communication and outcomes that develop from
situations. I offered myself compassion, permission to be less than perfect,
the encouragement to let go of self judgment. I gave myself permission
to believe I deserve love, permission to be love, and as my friend Jon
says, permission to be "love loving itself and itself being loved."
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